Worker Wouldn’t Have Spent Last 6 Months Licking Hole Of Superior If They Knew It Was Only Good For 3% Pay Rise

A BURNT OUT office worker is on the verge of streaming Falling Down and taking notes after six long months of sucking up to his boss only resulted in a 3% pay rise.

“My vocal chords are permanently damaged from all the fake laughing I did at his jokes and it was for 3%?” offered an exasperated David Paine, who is 3 years into his stint with Solution Management Management Solutions.

So incensed was Paine by how he was led on by his superior Owen Goggins, he felt the need to forewarn his colleagues of the scam being run at the office.

“Don’t fall for it lads, I worked my bollocks off to come in and do the bare minimum required of me as outlined in my contract. And all that bullshit like being pleasant and a functional member of the team and the big wigs in the C-suite offices, do you know what they did? They paid my wages in full and have now increased that by 3%. Daylight fucking robbery,” an inspired Paine said standing on a desk in the open plan office.

In a boon for worker solidarity Paine has said he will not stop with his crusade to inform workers that hole-licking no longer guarantees 10% pay bumps.

“In my dad’s day hole licking meant something. Hole licking got you a pay bump you deserved. This country’s gone to the dogs. I didn’t even take the fake sick days I feel I’m entitled to, well, I only took three recently but my point stands, these fuckers have no loyalty,” added Paine, feeling the thin veneer of civil society he once believed in fading before his eyes.

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