New Rural Scheme Will See Every Village Fitted With Guy Who Can Sort You For Weed, Counterfeit Handbags, Dodgy Box

‘LARGER TOWNS and cities must no longer have a monopoly on the provision of certain goods and services’. These are the words of a commissioned report entitled Rural Ireland, Future Living.

As part of the report, independent researchers dispatched by the Department of Rural Affairs confirmed that for basic services like counterfeit tracksuits and weed, rural people often have to travel into big towns and cities.

“There is a disparity here that needs addressing, we can’t have two tiers when it comes to essential services needed and relied on by everyone whether they live in urban or rural areas,” confirmed one of the researchers.

“Why should a rural couple have to travel far and wide just to source a dodgy box or weed? We recommend the installation of one shifty lad who can sort you for a bit of everything you’re looking for,” the report’s recommendations read.

Standing in place at a crossroads or where the old telephone box used to be, the guy who can sort you for Prada handbags, the newest Liverpool kit and a USB yoke with 20,000 channels on it could be in operation as early as January 2028 if the report’s recommendations are heeded.

The Department of Rural Affairs said funding is ready to activate 800 apprenticeships in becoming the resident ‘I know a lad’, more than enough to service rural communities across the land.

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