RFK Jnr To Turn Attention To Link Between Girls And Cooties

FOR DECADES young people in the US have lived in fear of contracting cooties, a playground-borne epidemic long blamed for the nation’s dwindling ‘native’ population and for discouraging fertile, red-blooded young men from fulfilling their patriotic duty of procreating with good-stock white American women.

Now, US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has confirmed what generations of boys suspected all along: girls are the primary source of the mysterious contagion.

“Figures my department made up show that one in five girls on the playground carried cooties last year,” Kennedy wheezed, scrunching his face at the mere thought of icky females.

“Before my father was assassinated, he warned me never to go near public-school girls from poor families. After his death, I swore I would one day save America from cooties. Today that vow becomes reality.”

Kennedy outlined a sweeping plan to ‘de-cootie’ every American girl between the ages of 9 and 16 through a nationwide network of government-run treatment centers.

“President Trump has pledged $5 billion toward cootie facilities and will personally oversee the rollout and visit each center to make sure they’re doing things right,” Kennedy added, gazing into the distance as though the Star-Spangled Banner were playing softly in his ear.

Meanwhile, the National Cancer Institute confirmed its life-saving research faces massive cuts from government, with deep cuts to National Institutes of Health grants expected to trigger mass layoffs across labs nationwide, and researchers warning that decades of progress in cancer science will now be set back for years, although officials stressed that eliminating cooties obviously remains the higher priority right now.

Support an independent, ad-free publisher by buying yourself something nice in our shop HERE