Company Famous For Taking Water In Drought Affected Areas, Fraud, Forced Labour Draw The Line At Undisclosed Relationships

NESTLÉ, a scandal hit company that runs the gamut of fraud, forced labour, infant deaths and water theft, have confirmed that it simply cannot accept a CEO failing to disclose a relationship with an employee.

“We may deny all culpability in monopolising access to water from drought hit Native American reservations, fight in court when fined for operating a milk pricing cartel against farmers, and deny accusations of using child labour in our cocoa production but damn it, we draw the line at CEO hanky panky,” confirmed the food giant, in a statement announcing the sacking of its CEO Laurent Freixe.

Nestlé has confirmed it has an incredibly strict code of conduct it expects employees to adhere to when it comes to personal relationships, but allow for wiggle room in other areas such as demanding Ethiopia repay $6mn its owes the company in historic debt at a time the country was actively enduring a famine.

“We’ve been accused of directly increasing the infant mortality rate in developing countries due to our pushing of knowingly false claims that our milk formula is superior to breast milk, but you just can’t have an affair with an employee and not tell us, that’s morally wrong,” added a source within Nestlé.

“Nestlé can stay silent when a pizza made by a subsidiary causes an e-coli outbreak and kills children but when an employee treats the office like an Onlyfans meet and greet we stand up and say ‘no more!’,” confirmed Nestlé, proudly capping off its statement.

Favourites to succeed in the role as next CEO include the Head of Poisoning and Senior Vice President of Cover Ups.

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