WARNING: Spate Of Poisonous Jellyfish And Mating Spiders Articles Imminent

SOCIAL media users have been placed on high alert this week as a season-specific plague of scaremongering tabloid articles is expected to once again flood timelines, fueled by successfully baited morons engaging with the poisonous jellyfish sightings and spider mating season ‘warnings.’

Despite the clockwork predictability, millions of fully-grown, easily-panicked adults are set to like, comment, and share stories about perfectly ordinary cycles of nature as if they were biblical omens, giving lazy editors at dying online news publications just enough oxygen to meet their monthly click quotas and delay being replaced by AI for at least another quarter.

“We’ll probably kick things off with the ‘Ireland Set For Coldest Winter In 100 Years’ pieces around October,” explained soon-to-be-redundant editor Tadgh Thompson of Portlaw Live. “As long as your cortisol-pumping uncles and aunts are still on Facebook, we’ll flog these algorithm hoggers to death until our last dying breath.”

Readers can also expect the usual follow-ups in the coming weeks: handy ‘guides’ on how to avoid household spiders, alongside blurry, recycled photos of Portuguese Man o’ War jellyfish washed up on a Cork beach in 2019, dutifully reposted with fresh captions.

“It’s gas really – half the comments on these stories end up spiraling into rows about immigrants,” Thompson admitted, “but look, engagement is engagement.”

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