Government Lay Out Ambitiously Vague Vision For Big Infrastructure Projects They’ll Eventually Cancel

“WHAT’S IMPORTANT now for everyone is to allow us get this nice PR blitz done, and remember to forget all these claims when we renege on the fairly vague pledges we’ve made to ‘build things’. Thanks,” confirmed the coalition government as it announced an additional €100bn of staggeringly vague pledges on infrastructure spending.

“It’s called the National Development Plan but we haven’t planned to develop specific things really, we just want to clear that up,” confirmed the Taoiseach Micheál Martin, as huge sums were pledged to ‘this and that, we’ll get back on the details later’.

While the NDP lacked detail, there was €2bn in finance ringfenced for the Dublin Metro which experts believe will cover the first week’s budget for cones and hi-vis jackets.

Clearing up some rumours, the government confirmed that Uisce Éireann are not allowed spend a cent of the €12bn funding they’ve been allocated on pointless things like improving waterways and rivers, as the government is already busy dishonestly ‘writing off’ 466 rivers (including the Liffey, Lee, Corrib and Boyne) so that they are considered ‘no go areas for nature’ and thus avoid hefty EU fines for failing to clean them up.

“And one last thing, all these projects have been costed and planned as if we will never be subjected to even 0.00001% of a tariff by the US. Okay, bye, bye, bye, sorry so busy, can’t take any more questions, laters,” added the Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe as he ran out of the room at speed.

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