Keith Richards Starting To Worry Now

THE PASSING of heavy metal legend and reality TV star Ozzy Osbourne at the age of 76, has sent music’s other seemingly indestructible man into a spiral of panic as he confronts his mortality, WWN has learned

“The man bit off the head of a fucking bat Mick, of course I’m fucking worried,” Keith Richards shouted down the phone to bandmate Mick Jagger, as the guitarist was hit for by the horrifying notion that if Ozzy Osbourne isn’t immortal then neither is he.

“In the 1980s the man had more drugs in him than a pharmacy, nothing could stop him but now he’s gone in his prime? Christ, I thought me and him were going to be the only thing to survive the nuclear apocalypse,” Richards added, now for the first time noticing wrinkles on his face.

Shocked into changing his lifestyle as it dawned on him that if God can take Ozzy Osbourne, he can take anyone, Richards has resolved to go on a health kick.

“I know people will look at me downing these two bottles of whiskey and think I’ve lost my edge but I’ve gotta look after myself now, I can’t do ten bottles a day and think I’ll be fine and dandy,” Richards explained in a social media post in which he outlined his health kick will involve cutting down to 200 cigarettes a day.

Elsewhere, the international bat community have confirmed that this will be the first decent fear-free day’s sleep they have gotten in decades.

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