Dublin Beachgoer Only Getting Out Of Car Park Now

DAMO Lyons has informed his employer that he’ll be ‘a little late this morning’ after first attempting to leave Burrow Beach car park on Saturday afternoon.

Lyons was one of approximately 3 million sunbathers who independently made the unique decision to head to Burrow for ‘a nice quiet day at the beach with the kids.’

“It’s the exact opposite of that Aldi ad where the unnervingly good-natured family is laughing and joking stuck in the car,” said the 34-year-old father of ‘too many kids now that I think about it’.

“It’s like Burning Man without any of the cool people. I’ve accepted my fate. I will gladly die here before enduring another minute of this car park purgatory.”

Lyons is one of thousands still attempting to flee the gridlocked coastal hellscape, now littered with abandoned cars, laughing gas canisters, and stray children aimlessly wandering and calling out for parents who may or may not still be emotionally present.

“It all got too much, so I took my chances and swam around Howth Head,” one weary man told WWN after washing up on a beach in the Isle of Man. “Sure, the missus will probably divorce me for leaving her and the kids, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. There’s only so many flabby, badly tattooed yup bros carrying Bluetooth speakers blasting Fisher I can take.”

Meanwhile, An Taisce has issued a brown fake tan water warning for all Irish beaches.

“A considerable number of marine life have already suffocated on used condoms,” their statement read grimly.

“We expect the tan warning to lift sometime around the next heatwave – in roughly five years.”

Help us to continue taking the piss in these trying times by buying yourself something nice in our shop HERE