Fears Conflict In The Middle East Will Be Nice Excuse For Petrol Stations To Immediately Ride You At The Pumps

DESPITE purchasing their fuel well before the latest round of missile bombardments, fuel providers and service stations across the country have asked customers to kindly lube up, as they prepare to roll out some meaty price hikes – under the well-worn pretense of war.

Never ones to pass up a golden opportunity for price gouging, executives from Ireland’s top fuel distribution boards wrapped up their meetings, earmarked as ‘Cha-Ching!’ in their calendars, in record time.

“Right, these plebs still think fuel prices work in real time, so all in favour of a hike due to… whatever war it is this week, say ‘aye’,” concluded one brisk two-minute meeting which ran over by 70 seconds due to several board members laughing hysterically at how gullible the public remains.

“There’s a lovely whiff of the Ukraine war off this one, lads. Fingers crossed we get a good few months out of it,” offered one director during another boardroom call, fondly recalling how they rode customers for months during the last crisis – even as the price of a barrel remained stubbornly unchanged.

“It’s like shooting profits in a barrel!” he added.

With the price of 1,000 litres of home heating oil already up €25 in just a few days, ‘energy experts’ are forecasting further hikes.

“Yes, the global oil producers actually control production and, no, what’s happening right now doesn’t significantly impact the flow,” explained one oil analyst. “In fact, they could maintain steady production for the next 20 years without blinking. But let’s not let facts get in the way of opportunistic profits.”

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