Ways The New Pope Can ‘Americanise’ The Catholic Church

WITH THE CATHOLIC church appointing its first ever American pope, the 1 billion person strong faith is in uncharted territory and only time will tell how the stewardship of the Vatican by Robert Prevost, widely considered a progressive, will unfold.

However, a great number of religious experts have weighed in on how being American could influence the new Pope Leo’s approach to the job and WWN has collected some of the most astute observations below:

The almost immediate hiring of an outside consulting firm which will recommended cost savings by cutting priest numbers by 10,000, leading to increased profits for the faith’s main shareholder, God.

Rollout a subscription service which charges faithfuls per prayer made to God.

Replace the Pope mobile with a white Cadillac Escalade SUV.

Deport the meek and the sick to an El Salvadorian prison.

Institute a new Premium Heaven Package that allows rich people to bypass purgatory.

Divert 98% percent of the Vatican’s annual budget to making the Swiss Guard a leading military force.

Ban altar boys from joining a union. Also insist they all sign NDAs.

Give all Vatican paintings depicting Jesus some blond highlights and blue eyes.

Refuse to heal a leper, insisting they strengthen their immune system by drinking unpasteurised milk.

Insist only deep dish style pizza is served in the Vatican canteen.

100% tariff on Italian red wine.

Introduce chlorinated communion bread.

Introduce drive-through confession booths.

Pope Leo will avoid one American peculiarity by not hanging on every word of an ancient text and let it dictate every single aspect of daily life under a twisted interpretation of its original teachings; Leo will revere the Bible with much, much less fervour than his country obsesses over the US constitution.

We design & sell funny t-shirts, mugs, hoodies and more to help keep the lights on. Check them out here www.waterfordwhispers.shop