First Vatican Primary Debate Marred By Insults & Accusations Of Watering Down Body Of Christ

TELEVISED LIVE across all major Vatican City TV networks, the much anticipated first of six Vatican Papal Primary debates did not disappoint and showcased just what a stark choice lays before the voting public, the 133 cardinals.

Liberal and conservative wings of the conclave shouted and hectored one another during the two and a half hour marathon debate, with Cardinal Dario Ricci accusing an opponent of watering down the Body of Christ during recent sacraments.

“Oh yeah, well who’s been consistently shrinking the size of their communion wafers and selling the leftovers to Catholic-curious fetishists online, huh?” retorted accused Cardinal Piotr Borkowski, in one big take away clip from the night which went viral.

Once a front runner, Cardinal Spiro Mendez’s chances took an early hit during the debate when he stuttered on a question before having to embarrassingly admit he had not covered up any sexual abuse in his diocese. This admission all but ends his hopes of securing the big gig.

“I think this debate just showed yet again, the world is tilting toward the Trumpian way of doing politics. Bombastic, devoid of facts and a careless insult-heavy way of behaving,” said Papal debate veteran Cal McClintock.

Progressive voices on stage made their mark as US based Cardinal Stephen Harrington said it was time to move on from the white smoke chimney and modernise by “getting in a full DJ show with strobe lights, we’re talking David Guetta, 100 tonnes of fireworks, really make a splash”.

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