Ask Anne: “My Wife Wrote To The Irish Times About Me Casually, Heterosexually Masturbating With My Male Friend, I Feel Betrayed”

OUR RESIDENT advice columnist Anne Trope helps readers with their dilemmas.

“Dear Anne, I tried explaining that two bros tugging their turgid twigs side by side is the most natural thing in the world, but instead of accepting that, my wife ran to the paper of record and kink shamed me.

It’s not that she’d invade my privacy barging in like that and shouting ‘Michael what the fuck are you doing? You’re a married man with two kids in your 30s’ that hurts the most. Of course it stings but to give so little thought to how my friend, for privacy’s sake we’ll call him Jerking John, would have felt in all this is truly shameful.

As I ran after her, pantless, out of the house and onto the street and tried to explain what a ‘Dick Duet’ was, she couldn’t have been more closed off. No number of explanations such as ‘it’s normal’, ‘everybody does it’, ‘sure I did it with your dad once’ and ‘it’s not cheating because we didn’t hold hands’ were good enough for her.

What made it worse was how the neighbours could hear her embarrassing herself when she shouted ‘put some fucking pants on Michael’ at me.

It just hurts. I never judged her for her hobbies. Not a word about the tag rugby she does but when me and my friend tag each other with our semen it’s some big problem?

How do I come back from this betrayal? The Irish Times refused to publish my letter to the editor in response in which I explained ‘erection buddies’ has its roots in an Irish pagan ritual.”

Anne: Clear communication is the bedrock of any functional relationship, to learn that she ignored the ‘don’t come in, cumming in progress’ sign on the door shows your wife has a lot to learn about boundaries.

Then add to that the fact she blabbed to the Irish Times, I don’t see how she makes this up to you.

When trust is broken like this, it’s hard to gain it back. Have you expressed how you’d never write to the Irish Times about all the undisclosed masturbation hangouts she presumably has with her female friends? I’m a card-carrying feminist but if she was anymore more judgey she’d be the Nuremberg trials.

And over what? The most natural, platonic-penis-pestering between two pals the world has likely ever seen? Divorce her Michael. And when it comes to that divorce being finalised, ring Jerking John to celebrate the only appropriate way you two can.

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