Golf Men Weep In Pub

IRISH golf men openly wept in pubs up and down the country last night as fellow golf man Rory McIlroy dragged them through a rollercoaster Masters win, WWN reports.

Emotionally stunted tanned-headed men wearing bright coloured jumpers over their shoulders cried in unison as the 35-year-old county Down man donned a green blazer in one of the biggest wins in Irish sports history that didn’t involve some form of extreme violence.

“He didn’t make it easy on himself,” the men said repeatedly, their sobs masking years of unresolved tension born from never quite earning their fathers’ approval the way Rory just did.

“I can only dream of dad appreciating me like that,” explained one hegging middle-aged man we spoke to at the urinal, probably wishing he didn’t wear cream chinos as a mixture of tears and urine back splashed off the ceramic piss hub, before screaming, “Why don’t you love me, Dad?! I’m a brain surgeon, for fuck’s sake!” while fellow golf men later consoled him at the hand drier.

In related news, U.S. President Donald Trump has reportedly pledged to scrap all tariffs on the UK in honour of McIlroy’s win sparking days of nonsensical nationality debates.

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