US Supreme Court Rules Insider Trading Totally Fine If President Doing It

HAVING ALREADY ruled that the US president is justified in any action so long as a president says they were acting ‘presidenty’ at the time, the US Supreme Court has clarified that potential insider trading is legal when Donald Trump does it.

“When the president uploaded a self-taped YouTube tutorial titled ‘guys, here’s how to buy the cheap stock before I announce a 90-day tariff pause which as you know will lead to a surge in the value of these shares’ it was an official action of a president, rather than as a private citizen trying to enrich his inner circle” concluded a majority opinion by the Supreme Court justices.

The Department of Justice also reiterated its position on the matter when reached for comment.

“C’mon be serious, investigate the guy who gave us such great stock tips? Seems ungrateful. Plus he fired anyone around here with a spine already,” confirmed one DoJ official, echoing statements from the Securities Exchange Commission.

Outraged Democrats have called for an immediate investigation into the alleged market manipulation, specifically seeking answers as to why they weren’t included in the scam.

UPDATE: The White House has denied that accidentally adding a journalist to its ‘secret insider trading plan’ Signal chat group qualifies has a ‘security breach’.

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