Molly Statue Fitted With Machine Gun Turrets To Deter Groping Tourists

IN WELCOME news Dublin City Council has repurposed money that was earmarked to be wasted on social housing to provide the Molly Malone statue with an envious pair of machine gun turrets which will act as a deterrent for would-be groping tourists.

“The swelling on Miss Malone’s bust has gone down dramatically and the natural coloured returned such is the reduction in tourists mauling at her chest,” explained one council official, their voiced drowned out somewhat by a Chinese tourist yelling ‘I’ve been shot’.

Laser guided and dispensing over 500 rounds a minute, the guns are trained to fire on anyone’s cockles and mussels if they so much as get a glint in their eye.

Earlier efforts such as placing a moat around the statue filled with live crocodiles did not prove enough of an obstacle. One other option previously explored was to place the statue in a location tourists would not frequent, such as Carlow, put it was viewed as unduly punishing Malone.

“The recent announcement on the addition of wardens already provided Molly Malone with more protection than actual women on Irish streets, but who knows, maybe if this pilot programme is a success we can consider similar efforts for humans,” confirmed the council official.

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