Leaked: Taoiseach’s Pre-Prepared White House Remarks

WATERFORD WHISPERS NEWS has obtained a copy of Taoiseach Micheál Martin’s remarks he intends to say in a media address at the White House when he meets US President Donald Trump.

Identified by many as a difficult tightrope walk of diplomacy, Martin and his team of advisors have reportedly agonised over being put on the spot by the media in Trump’s presence about the Irish tax regime, US weapons fueling war crimes in Gaza and Trump surrendering to Putin.

The following is an abridged version of the remarks:

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, have I said it enough times? I’m delighted to be here Mr. President on this the 12th of March, which is as we all know the real date of St Patrick’s Day, or sorry, St Patty’s Day as it is correctly known. Did I mention you’re taller, more handsome and more orange in person?”

“Ireland’s sovereignty when it comes to our tax regime must be respected just at America’s should be… no I’m not sweating, I’m crying from my forehead”.

“You know, it’s so gracious and courageous of you to have taken Elon Musk under your wing. I too have an awkward, social media-addicted partner-in-crime who is liable to come out with the biggest load of waffle you’ve ever heard, Simon Harris. But I’d be lucky to get a fiver out of him nevermind $290mn”.

“Don’t mind Europe at all at all Mr. President. As you know as a keen student of geography and history Mr. President, Ireland isn’t in the EU or Europe, if you have any residual anger there for France or Germany, aim it at them. Giving into Putin’s every demand and trying to rob €500bn of rare earth minerals for yourself being only way to achieve peace is certainly a unique take on things, fare play.”

“While I wish we could give you Greenland and the Panama canal, can I interest you in a Ballymun and the Royal Canal? Key trade route to the economic titan that is Mullingar?”

“Correct Mr. President, you do own a golf course in the UK that’s right, in Doonbeg county Clare, United Kingdom”.

“Obviously we stand with the Palestinian people, which is not to say, y’know, that we object to the handsome president here, having a different opinion. A better opinion even. And don’t mind us, really, I mean ethnically cleanse away, but we just wouldn’t be up for partaking. Which is not to say we’ll stand in the way. I don’t want it to come across as, as, as disagreeing. When I say disagree it’s more, God, Jesus, what’s the word, there is a ‘spectrum of opinion’. Yes, brilliant, that’s it. Phew, dodged a bullet there. Sorry, no, you’re right, poor choice of words. How is that old ear of yours anyway?”

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