Taoiseach Kisses Invite From White House Before Pressing Letter To Chest & Squealing With Excitement

DAYS of peering out the letter box of Leinster House have paid off for Taoiseach Micheál Martin as the postman finally delivered a long awaited invite to the White House from Donald Trump.

Excitedly stamping his feet on the hallway floor, Martin then pushed past all special advisers before running upstairs as he teared in furious anticipation at the envelope.

“SHUT UP-AH! None of your business loser!” Martin shouted as Simon Harris pounded his fist on the other side of the door, demanding to know what the envelope contained.

Placing his finger under every word of the letter, Martin scanned its contents while mouthing every syllable.

“You’re invited…to attend… White House… 12th of March…” Martin said almost out of breath from speed reading.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” Martin then screeched in a register only teenagers experiencing their first summer romance can hear before bounding over to his bed, jumping on it and spreading out over the sheets as he clutched the envelope and kissing it non stop.

“Oh my God, what will I wear? I have nothing. Nuh-thing! And it’s only two weeks away,” Martin said pacing through his closet, dumping old suits on the ground he felt would make him look fugly AF in the eyes the US president.

Drowning out the sounds of Harris, who was still pounding on the door, Martin opened his jouranl and began writing.

“Dear diary, this is the Best. Day. EVER! I don’t care what anyone says, maybe Donald’s right, maybe the 12th of March is the real Paddy’s Day date. Also, it’s not ‘cool’ to bring up the whole selling weapons to Israel thing, and that’s actually a lot more nuanced than Sinn Féin says and another thing…”.

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