Revealed: Who Donated Over $1mn To Trump Inauguration
MOVED INDOORS due to cold temperatures, Donald Trump’s inauguration is still expected to be a fantastic event defined by understated class and cultural richness he is known for.
To fund such a large-scale event, Trump has turned to donations from the world’s richest businesses and business people, with many donating in excess of $1 million dollars. Without these vast riches, there was simply no other way the Trump team could afford in-demand performers such as Kid Rock.
WWN has collated some of the leading lights of the industrial world who sought to ingratiate themselves with the Trump administration while expecting nothing in return:
Elon Musk
Unconfirmed reports suggest Musk simply wants to be breast fed by Donald Trump.
Gordon Gekko
His cool $1mn contribution has got Gekko a guaranteed blind eye turned to insider trading on Wall Street, representing a horrifying first; a US administration giving free reign to bankers.
Tim Cook
Could Trump be swayed to lean on the Chinese government to remove the anti-suicide nets in factories that produce Apple products in China?
Dr Evil
The most mutually beneficial arrangement, Dr Evil’s son Scott has been offered up to go on playdates with Trump’s son Eric.
Mark Zuckerberg
Trump has agreed to not call the Meta CEO ‘Mark Cuckerberg’ for at least 4 years. Trump will also turn blind eye to Instagram giving US children body dysmorphia and hastening dementia in geriatric users of Facebook.
Mr Burns
In exchange for his contribution he has secured a promise that all nuclear waste being dumped into the water supply will be blamed on Haitian migrants.
Jeff Bezos
Expect more news stories about Amazon workers being fired for dying of exhaustion while on the job.
Weyland Yutani Corporation
The technology company is expecting regulations to be waved for their bio-weapon division.
Scrooge McDuck
It later emerged that while McDuck had donated $1mn from his vault, it turned out to be worthless pieces of tin painted gold.
Sundar Pichai
The Google CEO fronted up $1mn in cash and will also make a Google Doodle all about how Trump is the world’s greatest lover.
Andrew Ryan
Government funding from wasteful social programs will be diverted Ryan’s Rapture city, which will serve as a haven for the world’s capitalists. A large order of the volatile genetic enhancement substance ADAM will be placed by RFK Jr.
Sauron
How a glowing eye on the horizon has the ability to transfer $1mn on Venmo remains unexplained. Nevertheless, work leveling Hobbiton has already begun as a result of the donation.
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