These Are The Worst House Warming Gifts To Get New Homeowners

A WWN SURVEY of new home owners and people newly renting a shitbox for an exorbitant price has revealed there are a number of house warming gifts that are considered a big ‘no no’ and should be avoided at all costs:

A scented candle. You might as well get out the megaphone and scream ‘Sandra, your natural musk is about as sweet a smell as a Guinness farting championship taking place inside the belly of a rotting whale carcass washed ashore on top of a dumping ground for festival toilets’.

A sex swing. As you should know Kev and Susie already have one pride of place in the sitting room.

A cheeseboard. A board, made of cheese? How long do you think that’s going to last you imbecile?

A crossbow. This is a very personal thing to gift, so avoid it, it’s up to the house dweller to pick out their own weapon they will use to defend their home when the inevitable zombie apocalypse arrives.

10-ply bog roll. You think it well meaning; you know the life-changing power of illegally-imported silken soft toilet paper from China which is siphoned off from Xi Jinping’s own personal collection. But remember, people need to acknowledge the gift you gave them and will feel pressure to say ‘oh we used the gift you got us’ but now you have the indelible image of them evicting the devil’s brown log from their backside.

A novelty plaque displaying the name of the house. An Post have confirmed they will not deliver post to any house called ‘Housey McHouseface’, ‘The Sex Dungeon’, ‘Anus An Uachtaráin, or ‘Fuckingham Palace’.

Check out our shop. We’ve tonnes of designs to choose from with new ones added all the time. Each purchase helps us keep the lights on. Check it out here www.waterfordwhispers.shop