On This Day 1976: Discipline Fears As Medieval Torture Devices Banned From Irish Schools

FEARS that children may develop free will and become fearless of the church and education system were said to be growing following a new law banning the use of all medieval torture devices in Irish schools, a Church source confirmed today.

Disciplinary instruments like the Iron Maiden, thumbscrews, stretching rack and even the harmless Judas Cradle were now off the menu for schools wishing to punish unruly children for challenging the word of God.

“My shoulder is absolutely killing me having to use this blackthorn stick over and over again,” 73-year-old Sister Teresa Kane told Waterford Whispers News after spending the entire day beating her Junior Infant class. “I could have tortured the entire class in twenty minutes with the thumbscrew, but no, snowflake parents along with this Satanic EU voted that we can’t deliver the wrath of our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ anymore. Best of luck getting to Heaven now, you heathens!”

From next week, only leather belts, sticks, metal rulers, tin whistlers and chalk board dusters can only be used by educators to hand down corporal punishment, with many now wondering if this is the beginning of the end of child discipline.

“Sexual punishment is still okay though?” asked one Christian Brother in an anonymous question box set up for worried teachers wondering what they can and can’t do, renewing calls for the government to step in and clarify what exactly are ‘human rights’.