Signs Your Local Politician May Be The Russian Asset ‘Cobalt’

AFTER A NUMBER of Irish senators stood up in the Oireachtas to declare ‘I am not Cobalt’, the identity of the politician allegedly compromised by Russian intelligence officials is slowly being narrowed.

Here’s how you can identify if your local representative has been coordinating with the Russian government:

Drives a Lada around town.

If they went on that all expenses paid trip in 2017 to Moscow with Bertie Ahern.

Says ‘nyet, and yourself?’ when asked ‘any craic?’

Has lobbied for Supermacs to open an outlet in Red Square.

When confronted with the accusation of being in cahoots with Russian intelligence services, has asked if their accuser would like a cup of imported Russian tea.

Fixes potholes by filling them in with empty bottles of Beluga vodka.

Can screech at the precise frequency that is audible to Russian spy dolphins.

Keeps needlessly adding ‘ski’ onto the end of words.

Has their mam saved in their phone as ‘babushka’.

When you pull off their heads, a smaller head is revealed, and when you remove that, another head, smaller again.