Campaign Setback As Biden Tests Positive For The Plague

ONCE thought to be a disease of the past, doctors have confirmed US President Joe Biden’s run of bad luck has no end in sight as he has contracted the plague and will be out of action for a while, causing another setback to his re-election campaign this coming November.

Biden’s team confirmed he tested positive for black death yesterday afternoon after contracting it from an old suit he had previously worn in the 1300s.

“Mr Biden is currently in quarantine and is doing well for someone his age and is still lucid enough to call the doctor Mr Putin, sniff nurses’ necks and he is still able to eat ice-cream,” a source put fears to bed.

Despite questions around his physical health, the US President’s cognitive abilities have also been making the news after several vote-losing faux pas in recent weeks, which have since been put down to other ailments.

“I suppose the leprosy, polio and cholera diagnoses didn’t help last year, which ate a large portion of his brain, but apart from that, he’s in great health!” our source confirmed.

Biden’s team have admitted the assassination attempt on Donald Trump last weekend could see the former president gain more support, stating they’re looking into new unique ways of urging the American public to vote for Biden instead.

“We’re looking into replacing Joe’s limbs with bionic arms and legs, maybe some organs too, and then labelling him as the world’s first ‘Robo-President’,” said a spokesperson, “it’s a work in progress but basically we’re looking into any option that isn’t actually replacing him, anything that will sway these morons away from Trump “.