Fine Gael Urge Simon Coveney To Shut His Fucking Yap

SENIOR members of Fine Gael have taken the minister for agriculture out into the hall and urged him in no uncertain terms to ‘shut his God damn pie-hole’, a source has confirmed.

It is believed that Simon Coveney had angered the higher-ups in the party with his remarks about the possible decommissioning of Irish Water, a type of speaking-out-of-turn that Fine Gael members refer to as “doing a Varadkar”.

This morning Coveney has come out and stressed that his statement last week to RTÉ about how Fine Gael would be “willing to talk about Irish Water” when forming a new government was totally misconstrued by everyone who heard it, and that what he actually meant was Fine Gael are not willing to talk about Irish Water when forming a new government.

“Nope, Irish Water is here to stay,” said Coveney, looking nervously to the darker corners of the room during a press conference this morning.

“That thing I said the other day? Nah, you all took me up wrong on that. I meant Fine Gael were willing to talk about Irish Water, and how great it is. Not that we’re willing to talk about nixing it so that we can form some sort of government and cling to power. And as for the rest of our policies, well, let me just say that…”.

Coveney then trailed off, having spotted someone at the back making a finger-across-the-throat motion with their hand.