WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

You continue to wear your coat indoors, robbing you of the value of it when you go outside.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Remember; always check your food for broken glass.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

This week sees a reduction in the amount of hateful YouTube comments you post. You’re turning a corner!

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You google transvestite prostitutes ONE TIME and now it’s all that shows up on your Facebook ads.

Leo July 23 – August 22

You will meet a tall dark stranger, and immediately grip your handbag a bit tighter because you’re a massive racist.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

You take a Photoshop class, to learn how to paste a picture of yourself into places that you’ll never visit all around the world.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Your annual playthrough of Resident Evil 2 goes extremely well! And they say you’re doing nothing with your life!

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

When people tell you that you’d “better get a start made on the journey home, to beat the traffic”, they’re really just telling you to fuck off.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

You spend the rest of the week with the theme to The Monkees stuck in your head, starting… NOW.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

The phone conversation between this guy beside you on the train and whoever is on the other end seems to be going very well.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Let’s just take a look at what the cards have in store for you this week, and… oooh. That is gonna HURT.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Ask not for whom the bell tolls… it tolls for that lad up the road.