Read on for your weekly dose of WWN horoscopes:
Aries March 21 – April 19
You’ll be wanting to know about your life and how it will unfold in the coming days is it? Well, maybe I don’t want to tell you. You take me for granted sometimes, you know that?
Taurus April 20 – May 20
This week you’ll watch the trailer to the new Terminator movie and think ‘What? The? Fuck? Did I just watch?’
Gemini May 21 – June 20
This week shake things up by actually punching everyone in the face that annoys you instead of just doing it in your head.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
You’re finally thinking about adopting that monkey as a pet which will obviously turn out to be the best decision of your life right up until the point your beloved pet takes you hostage and taunts you by throwing his faeces at you as you sleep.
Leo July 23 – August 22
No licking your hands and rubbing them against your face does not count as washing. What the fuck happened to you Aoife, you used to have some self respect?
Virgo August 23 – September 22
This week you’ll have a triumphant moment in the most unlikely of places: Tesco. You have the good sense to put down the jam donut as you are mid-shop because you spot a 6-pack of donuts for the same price. What a week.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Don’t you worry about a thing, don’t you worry about a thing, mama – are the lyrics to the Stevie Wonder hit ‘Don’t you worry ’bout a thing’ but in all seriousness you should worry, the cats are plotting against in. They know where you keep the treats and they won’t stop until you’re dead.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Yay, you’re rich! Or maybe you’re not, I dunno, but you’ll have the internet – provided there is a decent wifi connection.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Hey, here’s an idea, why not stop putting all your romantic hopes and desires in Tinder and, you know, just advertise your eligibility to the local farmers.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
This week you’ll be hospitalised after getting your scarf caught in the door, swinging back violently and falling with a thud. On the plus side you’ll be eating through a straw so you’ll lose that weight you wanted to lose in time for Christmas.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
This week you won’t be sure how to respond to your girlfriend’s age-old question ‘does my bum look big in this?’ due to the fact big arses are so-in in 2014.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Imagine you were rich and famous, you wouldn’t need to seek validation from some overweight man making up your star sign forecast completely on the fly.