WWN Horoscopes


Aries March 21 – April 19

This week, like all other weeks, you will wrestle with the forces of good and evil. Trying with all your might to succeed where others have failed. A momentous quest which pushes you to your very limit unfolds. Despite this, you will fail and choose a cheeky Chinese takeaway instead of going to the gym.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Bold Taurus, Bold. How many times have you been told that sudden arousal while hoovering should never be never combined. This week you will end up in A & E and need to buy a new hoover nozzle.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

This week you will be spending most your time with your newly formed imaginary friend Gibbo. Such is your low self-esteem, Gibbo despite being a figment of your imagination will insult your dress sense while you’re in the company of friends.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Saturn’s surface influences Leo’s affections for you. That or Leo just really likes when you spend a shitload of money on her. Either way this week you will get into serious debt trying to buy your way in Leo’s affections, and it works.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Leo is known as a strong, intelligent and successful star sign which must really piss you off since you clearly aren’t.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

This week you will impress even yourself with your ability to quickly anger at the sight of the car in front of you failing to indicate. Was it worth murdering the elderly driver over it? Only time will tell.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Ugh could you be any more Libra? The foul stench of Libra just oozes out of your every pours. You’re basically Libra-ing all over everyone. It’s time to be a little less Libra a little more not Libra. Look, I don’t need to explain it to you, it’s all pretty clear.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

This week you will mostly dream about becoming a superhero. However, later this week you won’t gain any superhuman strength after you come into contact with highly radioactive material, in fact you’re going to die.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

This week you’ve got money problems which is why you should ring our premium line on 1850-star-sign-shite for advice. Minimum call charge is €18 but with money problems like yours, you can’t afford to not make the call.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

This week you will receive an anonymous call from someone who simply says ‘I know’. You will then proceed to tell your husband about your affair only to realise before it’s too late that the call was just kids trying out a few prank phone calls.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

You are the envy of your office this week when you tell them about your amazing weekend with your husband. If only they knew you legally married you cat in 2005.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Due to budgetary cuts within WWN, Pisces will not appear.