WWN Horoscopes

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Welcome to WWN’s weekly look at what the planets have in store for you. Keep up to date with all your astronomy needs every Monday. For previous entries see waterfordwhispersnews.com/category/horoscopes/

Aries March 21 – April 19

This week I take no pleasure in telling you that you are going to have ‘impromptu urine-leaking-out-of-your-body’ incident in the queue to Abra at 3.37am

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Take solace in Jupiter’s ascension as it remind you of the time your attractive friend accidentally grazed against your breast. Ah, the moments that make life worth living or not living depending on your overall outlook.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

This week you will continue to literally use the word ‘literally’ in place of the word figuratively, and it will do nothing for your cause to appear less like an idiot.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

This week you can’t believe Friend A is such a bitch, nor can you believe she would tell Friend B about that thing, I mean, like who does that? Friend A, that’s who – I thought we covered this already. Come on, pay attention.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Take strength from the fact Gemini is your ally this week. What does that mean exactly? Fucked if I know.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

There is no better time to pursue your passions in life. So what if your passion is scratching your balls while sitting down on the couch watching Murder She Wrote.

Libra September 23 – October 22

I’m not saying you’re going to die this week, but you definitely won’t be not-dead next week. You have my sympathies.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Whoever told bad poetry was the way to win back the love of your life is a cruel and fantastic human being. Think about it, you wrote down ‘My love for you is pregnant with commitment’, put it in an envelope and sent to someone…to read…and take seriously. Way to go you, way to go.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Seriously, stop buying CDs. It’s over, you had some good times. You laughed, you loved, but let it go.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

This week, with Taurus defying you it will become very clear to you that your boyfriend quite literally loves football more than he loves you. Tough break.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Stop asking Google about that rash and just go see the doctor already. Spoiler alert – it’s crabs.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

They often say getting fired from your job can lead to a new lease of life but not in your case. You are going to wallow like a son of a gun and get really, quite amusingly chubby.

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