Taurus April 20 – May 20
To your complete disappointment, the illegal cock fighting match those fine young travellers boys invite you to will not exactly be what you were expecting.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Lets face it, your dream of becoming some kind of super star DJ in a town full of DJ’s is never going to happen. However, Mars passing through your star sign this week indicates that McDonnalds on the Cork road are hiring again.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
You and your 2 litre Pegeot 206 will lose a violent argument with a large chestnut tree this weekend.
Leo July 23 – August 22
You’re faith in patient doctor confidentiality is torn apart for ever when, while watching Ireland’s most embarrassing bodies, you notice your weeping genital sores on TV3 this Tuesday night.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
We own you, your country, and everything in it – this weeks horoscope was brought to you by the National Assets Management Agency.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Unfortunately for you, the commandment ‘love thy neighbour as thyself‘ does not excuse your actions this week as you get sentenced to 5 years in Cork Prison.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
You’re judgement is called into question this week when, despite strong advice from Gardai, fire-fighters, screaming family members and friends, you continue to masturbate furiously on your front lawn while singing Ronan Keating’s number one hit ‘”When you say nothing at all“.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
You will finally clean those particles from the back of the toilet bowl this week by using only the power of your own pee, thus making you an absolute legend with the rest of the lads in the flat.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Your rendition of the Out-here brothers track ‘boom boom boom’ does not go down well at your grandfathers wake next Monday.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Your witty gravestone eulogy ‘Homoeopathy sucks’ overshadows your untimely death this week, leaving friends and family in tears of laughter at the burial.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Your Pisces star sign excuse for smelling like fish eventually gets old this Friday after friends hold an intervention for you about your general personal hygiene.