Aries  March 21 – April 19
Everything you have ever wanted and dreamed about will come true this weekend, provided that you don’t read your horoscope.

Taurus  April 20 – May 20

To your complete disappointment, the illegal cock fighting match those fine young travellers boys invite you to will not exactly be what you were expecting.

Gemini  May 21 – June 20

Lets face it, your dream of becoming some kind of super star DJ in a town full of DJ’s is never going to happen. However, Mars passing through your star sign this week indicates that McDonnalds on the Cork road are hiring again.

Cancer  June 21 – July 22

You and your 2 litre Pegeot 206 will lose a violent argument with a large chestnut tree this weekend.

Leo  July 23 – August 22

You’re faith in patient doctor confidentiality is torn apart for ever when, while watching Ireland’s most embarrassing bodies,  you notice your weeping genital sores on TV3 this Tuesday night.

Virgo  August 23 – September 22

We own you, your country, and everything in it – this weeks horoscope was brought to you by the National Assets Management Agency.

Libra  September 23 – October 22

Unfortunately for you, the commandment ‘love thy neighbour as thyself‘ does not excuse your actions this week as you get sentenced to 5 years in Cork Prison.

Scorpio  October 23 – November 21

You’re judgement is called into question this week when, despite strong advice from Gardai, fire-fighters, screaming family members and friends, you continue to masturbate furiously on your front lawn while singing Ronan Keating’s number one hit ‘”When you say nothing at all“.

Sagittarius  November 22 – December 21

You will finally clean those particles from the back of the toilet bowl this week by using only the power of your own pee, thus making you an absolute legend with the rest of the lads in the flat.

Capricorn  December 22 – January 19

Your rendition of the Out-here brothers track ‘boom boom boom’ does not go down well at your grandfathers wake next Monday.

Aquarius  January 20 – February 18

Your witty gravestone eulogy ‘Homoeopathy sucks’ overshadows your untimely death this week, leaving friends and family in tears of laughter at the burial.

Pisces  February 19 – March 20

Your Pisces star sign excuse for smelling like fish eventually gets old this Friday after friends hold an intervention for you about your general personal hygiene.