Maltese Tax Exile Briefs Government On What To Say Next

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A MALTESE resident holidaying in Ireland has briefed the local government this morning on what to say next about a certain issue, that he says cannot be talked about after winning injunctions against the local press.

Businessman Denis O’Brien, Ireland’s richest man and tax exile, flew in late last night to address friends in ministerial positions here in a bid to let them know what they can and cannot say about his low interest loan arrangements with the Irish Bank Resolution Corporation (IBRC), given to him at 1.25% when other customers were charged at a rate of 7.5%.

“I’ll just make this easy for you guys; you cannot say anything about it,” he said in a private meeting held in Leinster House. “Just make sure the papers that I don’t own don’t say anything either. And that goes for that stupid fucking TV station ye have here. Good lads.”

Politely interrupting, Minister for Children and Youth Affairs James Reilly asked why it was so important to keep quiet on the matter.

“I suppose the large property article in my paper today selling your three million euro mansion in Offally isn’t enough for you to shut your mouth Reilly, is it?” he jested, forcing a nervous laugh from the room. “No, just shut your mouths and find me some dirt on that Catherine Murphy woman from yesterday.

“And I have to say, this is disappointing; Fianna Fail were far easier to manage,” he then added, with several ministers bowing their heads in shame.

Speaking ever-so-slightly, Taoiseach Enda Kenny wondered how Mr. O’Brien would like the Government to answer the serious questions relating to his insider banking arrangements with special liquidator and golf buddy Kieran Wallace, who was conveniently appointed by the government to conduct the IBRC review.

“What do I look like Enda, a politician?” he barked, making the Irish leader jump back in his seat. “That’s your job. That’s why those anonymous donations keep flowing in.”

Following several tense minutes of stare downs between Mr. O’Brien and the now sheepish Government ministers, the Maltese tax exile bid them farewell, warning them about how easy it is to shift donations if financial dealings did not remain the same “on his island”.

“I’d just hate to have to come back here and repeat myself, you know?” he concluded, pointing out the Leinster House window to a distressed looking Michael Martin, who seemed to be loitering outside. “You really don’t want that.”

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