Galway Dolphins Take To Land Killing 24 People

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FOLLOWING on from swimmers being assaulted by dolphins in the Salthill area of Galway yesterday comes the devastating news that angry and aggressive dolphins have taken to Galway mainland killing as many as 24 people.

“I wish I could say that after killing these pensioners the dolphins didn’t have the presence of mind to rifle through their wallets taking their money, but they did. Those evil bastards did!” Frank Gillen, local councillor told WWN exclusively.

Yesterday’s assault is said to have involved dolphins innocently ‘slapping’ swimmers, but today’s incident is said to be far more serious.

“From a distance it looked like they were dancing with members of the over-65s Dolphin Appreciation Society of Salthill but on closer inspection they were dancing on them. It’s a tragedy,” added Gillen.

While many locals were taken by surprise at the sight of a dozen dolphins exiting the sea to brutally beat and assault members of the public, Gardaí confirmed that it appeared the dolphins had been planning this for some time.

“They are a well drilled unit, possibly with some Navy Seals training,” explained Garda Vincent Cusack, “we urge the public to scream loudly and immediately panic if they see any dolphins in the general area. They were last seen exiting Leisureland following a game of mini-golf. We believe they took the golf clubs with them”.

A well known rule in regards to the powers and jurisdiction of the RNLI means that, much like UN peacekeeper forces, they cannot intervene in conflicts outside their jurisdiction which is in their case means anything occurring on land.

“We couldn’t do anything as they stormed Salthill beach,” explained RNLI member John Rodgers from his rescue boat, “I didn’t want to watch but I couldn’t look away, and the noises they made. I can only speak a rudimentary level of dolphin, but I’m almost certain they were all saying ‘lol'” John added before breaking down in tears.

Gardaí could not confirm if the dolphins had any affiliation with a group of Basque separatist dolphins who have recently become active again.

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