People From Dublin To Move To Northern Ireland Where It’s Safe

THOUSANDS of Dubliners are taking drastic measures to get away from the gangland violence which is claiming more and more lives across the city, by moving up to Belfast ‘where it’s safe’.

Although regarded as one of the country’s most dangerous places to live during the near 40-year history of the Troubles, Northern Ireland is now looking more and more appealing to Dublin people following the increased frequency of bullet-based deaths in the capital.

The last straw for many families came after the latest gangland shooting which saw notorious criminal Micky “Bucket List” Finnerty gunned down in broad daylight outside a Paddy Powers in Coolock. Finnerty, known to Gardaí as a total cunt, was himself said to have ordered the shootings of up to fifty low-level thugs in the last week alone. He was out walking his cat during peak shopping hours yesterday, when he was shot ninety six times by a postman with a machine gun. The slaying prompted a mass exodus of concerned citizens, who fled up the M1 this morning.

“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m moving up North where it’s safe,” said Dublin refugee Anthony Kearns, as he walked up the motorway with as many of his belongings as he could carry.

“I stuck it out in Dublin for as long as I could, but there’s bullets flying all over the kip every day. You can’t go to the shop for smokes without witnessing a drive-by shooting. And it’s only a matter of time before they get the hang of car bombs and they start blowing each other up instead. So I says fuck that, gathered up the bags and headed for Belfast where it’s peaceful”.

With fears growing about reprisals from the Finnerty mob against the Faber-Castell crime syndicate, who in turn may spark off a new turf war with the Dame Street mafia leading to skirmishes with the Phoenix Park butchers, many ordinary citizens felt the only safe course of action was to abandon their homes and begin the perilous 200km trek. Officials in Northern Ireland have responded by setting up temporary refugee camps just outside Newry, while using the word situation in every sentence.

Meanwhile, in a now-deserted Dublin city centre, the Gardaí, who have solid leads on the perpetrators of all gangland crimes, are taking a wait-and-see approach to the ever-escalating bloody feuds, with Operation “Give It Another Wee While And See Does It Settle” now entering it’s ninth year.