Off Licence Owner Who Closed 5 Minutes Early Arrested, Jailed

THERE were joyous scenes outside Waterford district courts this morning as Scoops off licence owner William Lafferty was sentenced to five years in prison following a scandalous business practice which has left locals shocked and disgusted.

Scoops, which has regular operating hours of 1pm-10pm every day has been embroiled in accusations of closing as many as five minutes early throughout the summer months.

The accusations were only proven to be fact after an undercover operation involving 87 Gardaí caught Mr. Lafferty unawares on the evening of the 25th of July as he locked up the premises at 9.55pm.

Such were the severity of Mr. Lafferty’s crimes his case was fast tracked and today Judge Michael Redmond handed down a sentence of five years, which some believe is still too lenient.

Witnesses for the prosecution had given moving testimony, sharing that they had often suffered panic attacks and fainting when first seeing the off licence had closed early.

Pleading his innocence in court, the obviously evil Mr. Lafferty, seemed to make little sense.

“The shop is open for nine hours, and it’s just me running the show, but I found it tough recently with the passing of my wife,” Mr. Lafferty said to a chorus of boos, “I just wanted to get home to the kids a little earlier and avoid the 9.55pm rush”.

The 9.55pm rush is a strange phenomenon similar to the Bermuda triangle whereby off licences have a magnetic pull on alcohol consumers, which sees them descend in large numbers on a premises despite their only being five minutes of available time to pick, choose and queue to pay for their alcohol.

“It was getting to the stage where I had over five hundred people coming in at that time and I just couldn’t cope with the crowds,” Mr. Lafferty added before being told to ‘shut up’ by Judge Redmond.

Judge Redmond, added that despite it being entirely illegal he would permit the public to throw any objects in the direction of Mr. Lafferty as he exited the courtroom. Judge Redmond also stated “your mouth, Mr. Lafferty, is where the truth goes to die and now it is where sperm will go to die, enjoy prison and I hope you rot in jail for your crimes”.

A fund set up to help support Mr. Lafferty’s seven children while he is in jail has received as much as four euro.