World’s Facebook Uncles In Mourning As Only Friends Wiped Out In Russian Data Center Attack

THERE HAS BEEN a devastating outbreak of sudden onset loneliness among the world’s cohort of Facebook-based uncles as scores of their closest friends have disappeared overnight in a Ukrainian missile strike on Russian data centres, WWN can report.

“Well, he wasn’t a friend as such, I followed his page ‘cus it had Irish and American flags in the profile and he had all these great videos and posts which always made me really angry, spitting with rage like but now, I’ve no idea where he is. It’s very said to think someone so important to you could just ‘poof’ and they’re out of your life,” said an emotional Michael Mahoney, one of thousands of uncles believed to be directly affected by the presumably temporary loss of Russian bot activity on the internet.

“I’d come to think of some of these unhinged commenters below posts as some of my best friends and they’re gone, just like that, like the functionality of a Russia data centre after a missile strike which is a completely unrelated piece of information that purely serves as an illustrative example that I find to be akin to my feelings sudden loss,” added bereaved and confused uncle Davey Scollens.

The loneliness has spread to Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, TikTok and other platforms, with the epidemic having a severe impact on wellbeing.

“It’s awful, with my mates seemingly gone with no explanation, I can’t even describe it – my blood pressure has eased to a healthy level, I’ve gone for a walk, I’ve been so bored I’ve met up with friends I have here in the local area, I’ve even talked to my kids at a normal volume and about things that interest them, not just me shouting about trans ISIS cats, like I said it’s been awful,” confirmed noted local uncle Tom Murren.