Ask Anne: “Could A Sudden & Unconvincing Conversion To Religion Make All These Allegations Against Me Go Away?”

OUR RESIDENT advice columnist Anne Trope helps readers with their dilemmas. This week Anonymous shares his dilemma:

“I’m a prominent person in the public spotlight and allegations relating to my conduct with women are due to make their way into the media any day now, could a very transparent attempt to hide behind religion provide me with cover?”

First off, can I just acknowledge what a horrible time you must be going through. I can think of nothing worse than having to crack open a Bible and race through passages for morally bankrupt quotes which you can use to dodge and avoid all the horrible things you’ve done. All the hard work you’ll no doubt be putting in trying to learn off the name of the Apostles again. Trying to recall hymns you sang at school. Ugh, what a pain the arse.

But I have to say it IS worth it. However, remember a few key things: don’t do something ridiculous like actually taking the teachings of Christ into your heart and dispense with your wealth, distributing it to charitable causes. Don’t suddenly devote your spare time to improving the lives of others. You don’t have to do any of that shit, just by invoking religion you’ve already gained an army of weird middle aged men who will rush to your defence online.

I’m presuming your of Christian faith which may be ignorant of me, but I really wouldn’t recommend a conversion to Islam, that same group of middle aged men will suddenly discover something they never thought possible – sympathy for female victims, or maybe you could hope misogyny is the sort of unifying force that doesn’t see race, creed or religion. And you know, it just might be.