Hopes Needlessly Raised By Headline Containing Words ‘Trump’ & ‘Live Firing Squad’

NEWS PUBLICATIONS around the world have been criticised for getting people’s hopes up by carelessly including the words ‘Trump’ and ‘Live Firing Squad’, with many readers and viewers accusing outlets of irresponsible reporting.

“I guess my brain got too excited as the key words jumped out at me, and for a brief moment it was boundless joy,” confirmed one keen headline reader, who went on to discover US president Donald Trump is just enthusiastically announcing the intention to live-stream executions via firing squad.

“And then my brain as like ‘oh, a typical, normal, run-of-the-mill, boring Trump headline, the likes of which I’ve become depressingly accustomed to’,” added the news consumer, who decided to wait awhile for diving back in to read about how Trump is calling for violence against Somalians immigrants in Minnesota again.

Many people stumbling upon the firing squad headlines centred around Trump at first glance reported a huge rush of endorphins, sense of relief and rare hope for the future but this was contrasted with nuclear grade disappointment after their thoughts caught up with what they thought they were reading.

“Ah shit, just what I needed, a smidgen of genuine hope, thanks for nothing news,” another disgruntled news follower said.

Elsewhere, human rights advocates said that the announcement of live-streaming the firing squad execution of Fort Hood mass shooter former US army major and physician Nidal Hasan did not fill them with confidence.

“The current US track record on executions means these guns will probably be loaded with marshmallows or a rare life-extending vaccine that only works on serial-killers,” one human rights expert warned.