Possible James Bond Plot Lines If Paul Mescal Gets The 007 Gig

EVERY JAMES BOND imbues the iconic character with a unique essence all of their own, informed by their background, upbringing and career to date.

Coupled with the fact, rights holders Amazon employing writers to sketch out possible plots for future movies geared to specifics actors, WWN speculate as to leaks and rumours regarding the possibility of Paul Mescal getting the 007 gig:

The Man With The Golden Sausage – Bond learns of a pork baron who laces his sausages with fentanyl to get young customers hooked. A final showdown in the shadowy hamlet of Ballyhaunis sees bond choke the baron to death on his own sausage. Will be credited as only the 6th most homoerotic Bond to date.

A Hochtopussy – MI5 identify a deadly child assassin training programme operating out of a Gealthacht in Galway. Bond, posing as an Irish teenager in tight shorts and a shit haircut, must first learn Irish in an intensive time frame of 3 weeks in order to learn just who the radicalised gaeilgeoir children are targeting next. Sydney Sweeney plays the villainous Bean na Tí named Álainn Cnocs.

From Russia With Love – Bond turns double agent, doing work for Russia in order to afford paying rent in Dublin.

An unconventional plotline being explored is Bond being killed off in the first scene of the movie. With Mescal’s Bond’s backstory altered to including spending some time in an Irish school, Bond’s undercover mission is instantly thwarted when Irish henchman Jowls recognises Bond’s ‘big Irish head’ and insists ‘ah you do know me, you went to Clongowes’ and outs him to his international crime syndicate bosses. At just 5 minutes long, On Her Majesty’s Oh For Feck Sake Can’t You Keep A Secret would be the shortest film in the franchise.

Thunderbollocks – Bond’s greatest nemesis Dr. I Will Yeah, the world’s foremost Thunderbollocks, is building a secret nuclear warhead launching site inside the Sugarloaf. Bond alerts the Irish government to I Will Yeah’s dastardly plan but they’re okay with it because I Will Yeah’s nuclear bunker brings a lot of jobs to the local economy. Forming an unlikely alliance with a local group of e-scooter riding teenagers, Bond and the teens hotwire the nuclear warhead and joyride it to safety before disarming it.

Sadboys Are Forever – An evil international musical crime conglomerate S.W.I.F.T plot to saturate the female-fronted singer songwriter market in America, meaning there will be no room for emerging stars, not even ones who are the daughter of a famous Hollywood director. Bond, having fallen for a double agent who moonlights as a singer called Disgracey Aprons, feels compelled to take down S.W.I.F.T. A dramatic final set piece sees S.W.I.F.T mastermind Cupan Tae killed by a falling piano at an intimate wedding inside Madison Square Gardens.

The Living Gobshites – a heinous cabal of the world’s most unpleasant gobshites forge a vaccine which would turn other people into the worst person at a gaffe party to be stuck talking to all night. MI5 don’t seem bothered by this as they are all gobshites to begin with, but Bond being Irish has a zero tolerance for gobshites and goes rogue by infiltrating the cabal replacing the vaccine with a vaccine that cures Irish people of their habit of being unable to close out a conversation on the phone without saying ‘bye’ 70 times.

Quantum of Solace – shot as an engrossing one-take Mescal’s Bond goes to therapy and weeps about all the people he’s killed in cold blood and how sad it makes him. The sad and poignant snot bubbles and mouth spittle that emanate from Mescal are nominated for a Best Actor Oscar.