Couple Hire Professional ‘Buzz Kill’ To Talk Them Out Of Having “One More”

SICK of being sucked into an all-night session, local couple Gerry and Clare Riestard now rely on a professional buzz kill to sit down beside them and deliver reasons they should go home after a certain number of pints.

“Our local is like a vortex that just sucks you in, so we hired Martin and we haven’t looked back since,” Gerry explains.

Teetotaller Martin Tobin launched his buzz kill service in 2024, guaranteeing clients he will have them home early and hangover free for just €29.99 per month.

“I tell them stuff like ‘you’re robbing the best years of your children’s lives by being hungover’ and generally become a nag for an hour until they leave the pub,” revealed Tobin, who now has over 100 subscribers. “I was always a dry shite and known for being a buzz kill, so I said why not put it to good use and help other people.”

The 50-year-old entrepreneur has had some push back from publicans and is already barred from several premises.

“I’ve had to hire on other buzz killers, which I source from local accountants, compliance officers and lads who do triathlons, or anyone who starts a sentence with ‘actually, alcohol is a depressant’.”

In tougher cases, Tobin has to bring out the big guns.

“If the usual guilt tripping doesn’t work I whip out my solar app and start talking about my solar panels and usage. I don’t like having to do that, but sometimes clients can be gone too far and this works every single time. Nobody has ever made it past the inverter comparison chat.”