This ‘Dreamy’ Cruise Has Been Voted The Best In The World & Ideal For Faking Your Death Or Murdering Your Nemesis On

“MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN, maybe someone falls, maybe there’s no witnesses, maybe you didn’t see anything, maybe you don’t report it”

The brochure for Elite Cruise Life, a 5-star Caribbean cruise experience makes some bold claims, yet many people seeking to fake their death and start a brand new life or interested in killing a nemesis or spouse are buying into the hype.

“Twelve grand for a week is steep, but then you have to factor in that after spending that and faking my death I’ll be free of my bitch wife and dickhead kids,” explained business man Harry Smith, who is already plotting rowing off the bow of the 3,000 bedroom vessel and heading for Cuba.

While primarily known for being a hotbed for disease, clogged toilets and occasionally capsizing off the coast of Tuscany, cruises are slowly gaining a reputation as the go-to place to adopt a new identity and start life anew and/or settle old scores.

“I’m trying to convince work to host their annual retreat on this thing. Just got to keep Jeremy from HR deep in conversation as everyone heads back to their cabins at the end of the night and then boom, he ‘slips’ and falls overboard,” explained hopeful dispenser of nemesis, Paul Godwin, who finds the isolated nature of the open water and rough seas a real selling point.

“I didn’t marry Albert for the money, I want to make that clear but the age difference is becoming an issue,” explained Crystal Jones, 21-year-old wife to 93-year-old Albert F. Pudusky, heir to the Pudusky mining dynasty. “It’d be romantic, the cruise, but also Albert ain’t so good on his pins no more so maybe the ocean gets choppy and he falls”.

Elite Cruise Life have made their luxury cruise offerings all the more appealing by pointing out their staff’s response times are slow and their CCTV is constantly on the fritz and auto-deleted every 5 minutes.

“We also pride ourselves on never having world renowned detectives as passengers,” confirmed a statement from Elite Cruise Life.

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