This Complete Eejit Was Banned From Using Social Media, What Happened Next No One Expected

ORDERED BY a judge to remain entirely offline after being accused of harassing a number of people in a racially motivated online harassment campaign, Seán Chaucer had to contend with 6 months without social media and prevented from owning a phone with an internet connection while awaiting trial.

“Went for a walk in the park, like, just to do the walking part. Didn’t bring a camera phone to start filming a black lad and screaming at him. A few benches were falling apart so couldn’t really sit but it was nice, so it was,” offered Chaucer, detailing his time away from the internet.

“Did you know there’s some really nice trees and that in parks and the like? One in there was over 130 years old, mad. I know all the names of them, like you learned when you were a kid. I particularly enjoyed the fresh buds in the spring, watching on as seasons transformed,” continued Chaucer, feeling no urge to mention of any ill-tempered arguments in internet comments about Japanese knotweed.

“Went to the library, did you know they have boxsets and all? You can watch them there in some libraries and all? Didn’t scream anything about LGBTness being forced on kids in their stories. Just watched a few episodes of The Sopranos, was a class way to spend the morning,” added Chaucer, in a hand written diary entry he maintained during his court-imposed sojourn away from the internet.

“I don’t be flying into a blind rage as much, ‘cus I’m working on the garden, clearing out the shed I said I’d clear out five years ago, productive rather than endlessly scrolling a social media newsfeed carefully calibrated to deliver me racist clickbait on account of how much my brain was loving those things. I’ve tulips in one of the flower beds, c’mere and have a look,” Chaucer said on one of our visits to check on his progress.

Chaucer’s rediscovery of his surroundings outside the four corners of his phone screen haven’t been without their drawbacks however.

“I tried to get a few of the lads I do the harassing with to help me fix up one or two of the benches since the council isn’t bothered but it’s hard to organise that stuff. Not because I don’t have my phone, because they’re less arsed about improving the community than the council,” explained Chaucer.

“Used to be very good at the swimming so I did, when the last time you swam? I was down the council pool there, nearly had the place to myself, it was class. And you know, I didn’t feel the urge to ask the receptionist ‘what is a woman’ and demand to see the women’s changing rooms to make sure there wasn’t any men in it, phone camera in hand. No, just 40 minutes of zoning out into a flow state while swimming. Never known peace like it,” added Chaucer.

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