Was Connell From ‘Normal People’ A Secret Hamas Fighter?

“WELL, WE’RE trying to find an answer to this question as we speak. Let it never be said, the UK security forces don’t know an injustice when they see one, or have their priorities wrong!”

It might seem like only yesterday UK counter-terrorism police were investigating an Irish rap group on terrorism charges but there’s no rest for the righteous as security services now suspect the novel ‘Normal People’ could be a secret Hamas recruitment manual.

“The signs are all there; he’s shy, because he doesn’t want to give away the location of his underground tunnel network. He mumbles, probably so we don’t realise he’s speaking arabic and his shorts? A WMD, weapon of mass distraction and is Irish, which as we know is now an official sign of Hamasification,” confirmed one of 40 counter-terrorism police officers now undercover and enrolled in MFA in creative writing in Trinity College Dublin.

A statement from Downing Street yesterday confirmed Irish resident and citizen, author Sally Rooney, risks being designated a funder of terrorism in the UK, a separate jurisdiction with no legal authority over Irish citizens, if she continues voicing support for activist group Palestinian Action.

“Since 2015 the UK government has approved over €600mn in arms sales to Israel, but at least we never attended a peaceful protest with a load of OAPs chanting ‘stop killing children’ or bought red paint – now that’s truly evil,” confirmed Downing Street.

“Remember €600mn in arms to a baby killing machine – not terrorism. Giving a few quid to buy a few ‘stop killing babies’ t-shirts – terrorism,” added Downing Street.

UPDATE: In a major miscalculation on the UK government’s part, the entire UK army has been overwhelmed and defeated with the government overthrown by a rabid group of die-hard book nerds in their 20s who worship Rooney as a God.

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