“Not A Peep & Them The Cause Of It”: World Waiting On Britain Apology For Whole India/Pakistan Thing

SEVERAL people have reportedly died holding their breath waiting for the British establishment to acknowledge its role it the genesis of much of the tensions at the heart of India and Pakistan’s current relationship.

“Oh, so EVERYTHING is somehow our fault is it?” said a spokesperson for the derelict remains of the Empire, reading from a script dusted off every time an ongoing regional flashpoint can be directly traced back to the British Empire’s destabilising impact and meddling.

With some of the most violent scenes occurring between the neighbouring nations in decades, leading figures in the British state are taking a ‘don’t make eye contact, keep the head down’ vow of silence to the burgeoning conflict between India and Pakistan.

“All I know if I smeared shit all over someone’s couch, kitchen, fridge, bedroom and mother before setting their car on fire, I’d have the good grace to maybe admit 3% culpability on my part,” observed one Britain observer.

“Shush, don’t say that out loud. Yes, a private shipping company forcibly took control of the entire region and then handed over control to Queen Victoria but that’s the sort of thing we only boast about when tensions aren’t simmering,” explained one Empire fan, one pint away from using the words ‘we civilised them’.

“Yes the British Raj has a dedicated ‘famines’ section on its Wikipedia but you’re acting like extracting an estimated $45 trillion in wealth from India and Pakistan, displacing millions and causing the death of a further million during a partition we dreamt up on the grounds of religion had some sort of lasting impact,” said Keir Starmer, visibly irritated his trade deal with India was being upstaged somewhat by the possibility of a nuclear apocalypse.

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