“I Speak For Ireland,” Says Man Who Has Immense Difficulty Stringing A Sentence Together

A MAN whose pattern of speech is so stilted and incoherent that it is a stretch to claim he is even capable of speaking for himself, has claimed he ‘speaks’ for Ireland.

“It’s hard for anyone to truly claim they ‘speak for Ireland’, even democratically elected politicians but I suppose it’s certainly harder to claim you do when you can barely string two fucking sentences together,” said one Irish person in response to ‘whatever shite’ is pouring out of Conor McGregor’s very dry mouth today.

McGregor, fluent in grammatical errors in soon to be deleted social media posts, has repeatedly claimed he is speaking on behalf of Ireland in a number of public statements which are marginally more coherent than the emptying of a dozen portaloos at the end of Electric Picnic.

“Never have the issues the Irish people face ever been spoke,” said McGregor earlier this week in the White House, stuttering and spluttering discordantly like a drum kit being thrown down the longest flight of stairs in the world.

There was more bad news for people with the ability to hear as the professional court attender has signaled his intention to take on the biggest fight of his career to date; clarity of thought.

“Was he ‘speaking for Ireland’ when he went into lurid detail and boasted about claiming to have cheated on the mother of his four children while high on cocaine when giving testimony in a civil trial in which a jury found him to have raped a woman?” queried one Irish person, who has no trouble speaking for themselves.

We’ve been hacked by North Korea, made it into Trump’s campaign emails, threatened with legal action by Ireland’s richest man, angered Scientology and received 6,000 complaints from the God squad after a sketch of ours aired on RTÉ. Help us to keep pissing off all the right people – buy some of our MERCH HERE to help us continue to taking the piss in these trying times.