Kindhearted Trump Expects Nothing In Return For Postponing TikTok Ban

INCOMING US president Donald Trump has confirmed it is in his nature to do generous things, and would never assume his acts of extraordinary kindness, such as ensuring TikTok remains operational in the US, could result in preferential treatment or positive outcomes for his personal finances, WWN can reveal.

“I guess I’m just nice like that,” said Trump, of the suspension of a TikTok ban he personally advocated for and spearheaded over a number of years.

“Sure, I just launched a crypto coin which had an entirely made up value of in excess of $30bn, but no one thinks that would be a good way to have large businesses, billionaires and government enrich me by purchasing them in exchange for influence,” offered Trump.

With the TikTok app displaying a notification for US users praising Trump for returning the app’s service, it is believed the Chinese company’s actions could serve as a template for all big businesses and world leaders looking to massage Trump’s ego while getting one over on him.

“C’mon, that’s crazy talk. What could I, a politician seeking to make a jaded and cynical youth disengage from politics and feel like voting is pointless ever possibly gain from bringing a large social media platform to heel and have it do my bidding,” added Trump, also a close acquaintance of Elon Musk.

The restoration of Tiktok has been joyously welcomed by app users.

“Oh thank God for that, things got so bad there for a minute I almost did something worthwhile and productive,” shared one relieved US based TikTok user.

In other news, doctors concerned for the health of Trump warned that individuals who have excessively wet anuses, caused by other people repeated and consistently licking it in a bid to prove their loyalty, can experience health issues including hemorrhoids.

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