“Don’t Worry, We’re The Good Terrorists”

SYRIANS across the country are celebrating today after terrorists from a good decent terrorist background overthrew brutal dictator President Bashar al-Assad yesterday freeing the nation into Islamic state control.

Coined as ‘Syrians rebels’ for now until it suits, militant group Hayat Tahrir al-Sham leader Abu Mohammed al-Jawlani was greeted with cheers from supporters after capturing the Syrian capital Damascus, solidifying the once wanted group’s control over much of the country.

“Don’t worry guys, we’re the good Islamic terrorists so there’s no need to worry about us beheading any of you or anything, unless you’re Christian of course,” proclaimed the rebel leader, who has had a US-issued $10mn dollar reward on his head since 2017, which was ages ago really when you think about it and people change.

“I don’t even dress like a terrorist anymore. Look at my army style shirt. I’m like a Syrian Zelensky, I’m one of the good guys now!” he stated.

Forcing the Assad family to flee to Russia after a 50-year reign of terror, the once al-Qaeda member al-Jawlani promised a more pragmatic approach to jihad going forward, admitting his past endeavours were questionable, but to trust him all the same as he’s a changed man.

“I was al-Qaeda, then Jabhat Fatah al-Sham, then Hayat Tahrir al-Sham, but today I’m a Syrian rebel. I may have changed terrorist organisations more times than my headscarf, but you can’t buy that kind of experience so I’m the perfect guy to take over from Assad until they oust me later down the line,” al-Jawlani concluded his statement.

Meanwhile, Syrian people have been told to stop celebrating the end of a brutal dictatorship by western leaders because the group that brought freedom didn’t get their permission beforehand.