“You Can’t Quit Us, We’re Like Crack Cocaine”

AS PART of WWN’s Opinion series we give a platform to people we really shouldn’t. This week is the turn of Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, who received marginally over 40% of the vote from the just under 60% of the electorate bothered to vote thus making them the hugely popular choice 100% of the public desperately wanted to return to power.

“Admit, you love us. If you could snort us or inhale us you would.

Sure, it’s our lowest ever combined share of the vote, but enough people in the media are saying that you want this, you voted for this.

It’s been said that with the right supports and services you can kick any addictive substance in the world. Not that we’d know lol, fuck that approach. We don’t want to decriminalise possession of drugs for personal use, and we’re not interested in funding recovery. Nevertheless it has been said.

But raw, unfiltered rising house prices, rent cost and homelessness figures? Oooh that, that you can’t quit. You want to drown your liver in the stuff. Ballooning waiting lists for basic services, you want to smoke from that from tinfoil, letting it snake its way down your throat and choke you.

Right now your scrambling to find a vein in your toes to inject the corrosive effects of our policies directly into your body. You want to fall back in your chair in a fervent haze and pay over the odds for health insurance just so you never, ever have to use ‘free’ healthcare. Imagine having to use that? That’d be more dangerous that any toxic substance that could give you the same high as voting for us.

It’s clear the lesson you’ve learned. You can’t live without us. But what lesson have we learned from our shrinking vote share? Well, it’s obvious isn’t it; that you love us, think we’re doing a great job and want us to keep shoveling vast quantities of the same soul-destroying stuff we’ve been dealing out for years”.