“If You’re Up There God, Please Find It In Your Power To Stop Coldplay”

OFFERING no specifics but speaking in a tone which suggests Coldplay could be involved in nefarious goings on including war crimes, local man Peter Gaupe pleaded with the Almighty to arrest the Chris Martin fronted band’s momentum in any way he can.

“I wouldn’t be one for an auld pray, but c’mon, you know I’m right. It’s gone on too long and too far,” said Gaupe, reopening a line of communication with God last used when he was 13 and wanted to shift Sharon O’Dowd before they both left the Gaeltacht for home.

“I dare you to prove you exist you pup. Go on, prove it, just slash the tires on the tour bus or bankrupt their record label, something, anything,” said Gaupe growing ever more impatient.

Attempting to have his prayer prioritised over less pressing matters such as solving world hunger, Gaupe bargained with God.

“Look, if you’re going to lie and say you don’t see IT, fine. But if you do this one thing I promise I’ll ring my mam more, do some charity shite and my internet search history will be cleaner than a kitchen floor made of bleach,” concluded Gaupe.

UPDATE: Gaupe’s commute home was delayed by hour due to a large gathering on Grafton St which spilled out onto surrounding roads.