Man Takes Credit For Wiffen Gold After Screaming ‘Swim Faster’ At Television

LOCAL WATERFORD man Graham Power is today calling for a section of Daniel Wiffen’s gold medal to be gifted to him, in acknowledgment of his key contribution to the swimmer’s Olympics glory which manifested itself in Power’s unhinged repetitive screeching of the words ‘faster, swim faster’.

“He fairly upped in the last 100 metres, flying it so he was, it’s no coincidence,” explained Power who ruptured his own ear drum screaming ‘yup y’boyo, fecking kick kick kick like a good thing’ in the key seconds before Wiffen pushed through to victory and set a new Olympic record in the 800m freestyle.

“Who’s to say who played the bigger role; Daniel’s family, coaches and mentors and Daniel himself, or me here on the couch spilling my can of Perlenbacher all over my tracksuit bottoms as I correctly identified that being the fastest swimmer is the key to victory,” mused Power who remarkably had no previous experience in coaching Olympic swimming champions before last night’s race.

Elsewhere, as part of recognition that swimming is now Ireland’s national sport, all GAA pitches around the country are to be converted into 50m swimming pool by the end of the year.

Meanwhile, Daniel Wiffen and Mona McSharry have been criticised by their fellow 23-year-olds for giving their parents ridiculously high expectations as to what 23-year-olds should have achieved in their lives by now.

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