HSE Confirm Vaccine Portal Just Open To Niall Hession From Galway Today

MAKING serious headway through the age groups at a fast pace has allowed the nation’s vaccination programme to focus at a more granular level to allow for the hassle free registration on an individual basis, with the first beneficiary being Niall Hession from Galway.

“If Niall would log on there at 9am, we’ll set him up the jab in no time,” confirmed a HSE spokesperson who stressed that anyone who isn’t Niall Hession should not register today.

“Tomorrow is Clare Heeney from Offaly, and then it’s a few hundred thousand and we’re basically done. Now that’s Niall Hession with the big head, not the other one in Galway who has the fierce Italian/Spanish looking complexion, he’s already got his,” continued the spokesperson, who asked people to keep an eye out for push notifications on news apps, radio ads and posters on buses alerting them to the fact it will be their day to register.

“Ah sound, I’m buzzing. Feel like calling myself Jabba the Hut,” confirmed Hession, who thanked HSE for the nationwide media push and advertising promotion targeted exclusively at the 34-year-old.

Such is the push now to get younger cohorts vaccinated before the Delta variant can do serious damage, Hession will receive a garda escort from his home to his nearest vaccination centre, streamlining the process and making it as efficient and targeted as possible.

Elsewhere, the HSE denied the high profile push for Hession to register had anything to do with the fact he is an epic session monster who has more free gaffs than a Celtic Tiger era ghost estate.