Thinking Of Committing A Crime? Consider Becoming ‘A Pillar Of The Community’ First

WWN’s legal affairs expert Patrick Henley-Drummond takes you through the necessary steps required to being smart about committing unspeakable acts and getting away with them:

A mistake countless aspiring criminals make is forgetting to lay groundwork for their efforts to secure a suspended sentence or a slap on the wrists.

Over the years I’ve encountered hundreds of people who have carried out all manner of grievous assaults, thefts and harmless murders/manslaughters but have really shot themselves in the foot (figuratively) by not having the foresight to become pillars of the community first, leading at least one of them to shoot themselves in the foot (literally) in an act of frustration. I don’t want that horrible fate for anyone else, so please heed my advice.

When you’re in the dock you want to hear those sweet words leave the lips of a learned judge; “he’s played a bit GAA, let him walk free from this court” or “he did a 5k charity fun run once”, and there’s only one way to make this possibility a reality.

Years before you kick in the door of that pensioner’s house and beat him to a bloody pulp make sure you get selected on your county’s minor panel or a rugby development squad. I know this sounds like a lot of effort, but any hint that you could be sold to a jury and/or judge as a pillar of a community, even a shit community one no one has ever heard of, can make all the difference.

Sports not your thing? Fair enough, you’ve still no excuse. Appeared in an episode of Nationwide? Have you sung Ed Sheeran As Gaeilge? Picture in a local paper for a non-crime related reason? You’re halfway to only having to serve half of a shockingly lenient sentence.

There’s no need for us to get bogged down in what crime you will go on to commit. That’s hardly important provided you were attending mass while you had a grow house and a brothel on the go.

Now is as good a time as any to begin safeguarding your future before you decide to randomly punch some innocent lad outside a chipper, causing him irreparable harm. You can’t choose the family you’re born into, but trying to convince them to move to an affluent area of the country could make all the difference. You’ll thank me later.