WWN’s Horoscopes



21 March – 20 April

You circulate an online petition to garner support for your bid to lie in bed all day.  


21 April – 21 May

You sign up for Amazon Prime so that you can watch the new Top Gear, and nobody’s judging you man. You do what you have to do.  


May 21 – June 20

You refuse to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on the grounds that you’re not a baker and it would spoil their day.  


June 21 – July 22

When you said you were going to be a ‘better person’ this year, it seems you meant better at being useless.


July 23 – August 22

That teeth-whitening kit you bought worked a treat; lovely clean teeth. The rest of you is still filthy, though.


August 23 – September 22

You’re going to need to come up with a reason why you’re naked in the middle of town, and you’re going to need to come up with it quick.  


September 23 – October 22

You say fuck it, and buy one of those military grade flashlights before they get banned.


October 23 – November 21

There’s a tennis ball on your desk at work. It’s always been there. Fuck knows where it came from.  


November 22 – December 21

The FitBit you got at Christmas sure is a nice, wrist-worn reminder that you haven’t so much as broken into a trot this year.  


December 22 – January 19

It wasn’t really worth your parents while buying that set of encyclopedias for the house when you were 8.


January 20 – February 18

You set your Tinder radius out far enough to take in the entire country.  


February 19 – March 20

You fucking had 2 euro to give that lad for a hostel, you lying git.